Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Tiffany. Necrosis. Some Ranting. Sorta Review. Whatever.

From 6 followers to 12 13 since my last post? Oh yeah, who's a rock star?! I'm honored to have each and every one of you here; Some of which have blogs I'll even read!... Well, except YOU. I did some checking and you're kind of a jerk but by all means, keep following me. As a token of my appreciation, I felt I should share something of interest to you all and since horror films are the common denominator here what better way to follow up this astounding achievement than with a post about pop singer Tiffany!

What? I've clarified that this wasn't a horror blog, like, all over the place.

Tiff demonstrating some of that mad crazy hand dancing for me in 2006

Actually, she still qualifies under my original intent as I've decided to review her screen debut, NECROSIS aka BLOOD SNOW aka ICE OF THE DEAD aka NO MATTER WHAT YA CALL IT, IT'S STILL POO… FYI, I've loved this woman continuously since 1987. While her prominent figure in the header should clue most of you in, I felt the need to state this as you may be inclined to think the contrary from this point on.

This was fast becoming a maniacal rant about the grave disappointment her acting endeavors are turning out to be and my inability to understand why she feels it so necessary to piss me off and not follow my meticulously detailed career path so I thought it best to start off simple with a review. I've yet to do an actual review so it felt like time but mostly because every time I typed MEGA-PIRANHA I spit at the screen and I'm plum outta Clorox wipes.


Right. The review…

A group of friends head to the mountains for some wintry R&R but their chosen locale shares a bit of history with The Donner Party legend and from that it's pretty easy to surmise that there won't be a lot of rest or relaxation for anyone involved.

All of the pieces are present and accounted for: A strong legend to jump off from, secluded location with looming weather hazards, foreboding locals, elements of the supernatural, paranoia and a mix of characters at various stages in their lives ensuring potential conflict. Necrosis manages the peculiar feat of incorporating all of those elements yet not succeeding with any of them. Well, the location is nice and there are a handful of shots that reflect this.

As with many low-budget indies, the technical shortcomings are plentiful; Edits are either choppy or linger unnecessarily and the sound is too often looped. However, these faults could easily be forgiven were any other intended aspects accomplished. The films greatest failure is in its soulless facade. The dialogue is flat and stock and the actors do little to breathe any life into it. Not that they've much to work with but seriously, there are some professionals here turning out low-rent work. There are moments where you can almost see their thought process…

ACTOR/ESS: 'Recite dialogue, drink from cup, pause, frown, hit mark, wait for cue, speak again.'

There is little organic going on here and that is the most glaring issue of which there are many. The Esses fair slightly better. During the more intimate and dramatic moments Tiffany comes closest to conveying genuine emotion even while having the most limited screen time. Sadly, me thinks she might've peaked here. Not that Mega—erm, the movie I dare not directly address, would benefit from the Strasberg Method but dayum Tiff that was rough! She is not without potential but I fear it's not going to be realized considering her lackadaisical approach to everything in her career. Okay, that was bitter and personal and I apologize… I'll save it for a later date.

I'll be sure to render my final verdict once MEGA PYTHON VS. GATOROID hits SyFy next year. Co-Starring Deborah Gibson. I'm not even kidding. The pop rivalry everyone asked for… Twenty years too late.

Hmm. My guess is Debbie will be playing Gatoroid?

Scream Queen On The Rise and Awesome Chick Of The Now Penny Drake (Zombie Strippers, The Cook) and to a lesser degree Danielle DeLuca turn in serviceable if uninspired performances. Funny (or is it sad?) when you realize their male counterparts James Kyson Lee (Heroes) and George Stults (7th Heaven) are the more seasoned actors. This includes wasted cameos from genre vets Michael Berryman and Mickey Jones. We know neither are lauded for thespian skills but man, utilize what they do bring!

I truly wanted Necrosis to succeed, independently of Tiffany. The premise felt comfortably familiar but held enormous potential. In early interviews, passionate director Jason Stephens tagged the formula as "The Big Chill meets The Shining." Who wouldn't get excited for that? This is somewhat telling of his approach because after watching Necrosis, one cannot help but wonder if Stephens has actually seen either film. Ultimately, Necrosis screams amateur from start to finish and it is unfortunate because there were mounds of material to mine from.

… Or maybe I'm just still mad at Tiffany because this really wasn't a review so much as a tirade. Watch for yourself and let me know. It's not even 80 minutes. And there's some random boobs.  


Fred [The Wolf] said...

I heard of this film but never seen it. I'll add it to my Netflix queue for a watch. But yeah, I love Tiffany too and she was the reason I watched MEGA PIRANHA, which was a bad flick but it entertained me for some reason. Definitely better than MEGA SHARK VS. GIANT OCTOPUS with Debbie [sorry, Deborah], who I love as well. I'm an 80s kid so I'm all for supporting anyone and anything 80s related. Great review/rant. And I'm glad your followers number is increasing. You have a great blog here with a very cool banner.

Velvet Revolution said...

You never cease to crack me up. I'm definitely curious to hear this career path you have planned for her. I'm sure it's nothing short of brilliant! ;)

I have not seen Necrosis yet and while normally bad reviews keep me away, I kinda have to see it now. It seems like a special kind of bad but in comparison to mega-, i mean, the movie we don't mention it still sounds like high art.

Daniel Danny Dan said...

@Fred - Thanks again and I'm glad you've given me another fun blog to add (and actually read! ;)

I would be all for the Mega-Whateverthehell movies if they actually made good on the playful camp aspects they pretend they're delivering. The people behind them insist they're all in fun yet it's all played too straight (and poorly) by the actors which only heightens the bad script, direction and FX.

@VR - I am only here for your amusement so I am happy to hear my dancing monkey tricks are working. ;)

Please do check out Necrosis and let me know. I am curious how others see it.

... and yes, the life plan I've set for Tiffany is nothing short of perfection. If only she'd listen to reason!

A Printer Darkly said...

Because of your glowing praise, I just watched this on Netflix. You couldn't have been more on point. It was an odd experience because I'm not sure I've seen a movie like it. Felt like they were forced to make it so there was no passion or follow through. Soulless is kind of a perfect summation. Just wasn't well made.

But all things considered, Tiffany was probably the best and I woulda liked her to have been the heroine instead.

Fred [The Wolf] said...

I just gave you a Versatile Blogger award: