31 Frightful Femmes - Nancy

Wow. That Wendy entry was really freakin' long, huh? Yeah, that can't keep happening. I'm not one of those writers whose words flow effortlessly from the brain and down to the finger tips, creating exquisite prose on the screen. Shit, it took six minutes to get this far and the results are pretty clear. Can you imagine if I just let go, typing with abandon? They've locked away serial killers with less evidence of crazy.

I've got to scale back. Bad enough I disappeared for nearly two years lost all of my posts from the last two years and still decided to take on a daily writing task - don't think I didn't consider deleting that proud proclamation - but I've got things to do and not enough focus to do it. So, today's entry is a bit of a cop out but it's not a complete bail. As if I could do that to Nancy. All the info needed on why she is made up up of equal parts fantabulous, amazible and of course, magniflorious can be found in my earlier entry about why I Would Save Her. Try not to experience feelings, I daaare you!

Also, watch A Nightmare On Elm Street and tell me it isn't completely her movie. Freddy is merely the flashy set piece that spruces up her world ohmigod that was a wretched analogy... Metaphor? See, I'm gonna go.

31 Frightful Femmes - Wendy

Wendy. Weeeendy, Wendy, Wendy. What is there to say about Wendy? A lot! Which is fortunate since I've decided to write about her. As with loads of other film lovers, particularly genre fans, nostalgia plays a significant role in my long term devotion. We justify mountains of mediocrity because something tickled at the back of our brains as wee ones. Well, not the back. I suppose it would be more on the side with the temporal lobe? Though I guess the back makes sense since it starts with processing the visualization in the occipital lobe, so, I was initially correct. Lulz!

Prom Night benefits greatly from that cognitive bias. Logic is not its friend, the kills are pretty tame even by ye olden standards, and Jamie Lee's Kim isn't making any Final Girl Hall of Fame that isn't exclusive to her oeuvre. Sure, the dancing helped, but overall, it's kind of a snoozer. And I love it! Oh, holy hades do I love me some Prom Night. The past coming back to haunt you, a mystery killer, phone terror, soft focus, disco! But mostly, I love Prom Night because of Wendy Richards.

You knew she was trouble the moment she was tagged “It” for their twisted take on hide-and-seek; “All right, and I'll kill you all!” Alpha Bitch status was solidified when after poor Robin's demise, Wendy convinced Kelly, Jude and Nick to keep it secret via threats of obvious imprisonment. No matter that Nick's pops was, like, Chief of Police or anything. Childhood accident or not, dumb deserves death. Flash forward six – or by the looks of them, sixteen – years and Wendy's Queen Bee status is shaky.

She is gorgeous, wealthy and rocks a smokin' side pony whilst zipping around Hamilton High in her orange corvette but despite those riches, it has been a lonely reign and one now coming to an end. Nick the simp is slooowly trying to dump her for Prom Queen Kim and Kelly the virgin (noted by all the white she wears and awkward kisses she gives her beau) and Jude the husky (noted by the whopping five pounds she has on the other girls) have latched on to Kim's coattails. She even has to exert effort to grab Lou's attention. Lou, the 38yr-old unibrowed bohunk.

Oh, but she will not submit the crown willingly. She informs Kim that “It's not who you go with, honey. It's who takes you home.” and devises a (pretty weak ass) plan for Lou to humiliate Nick and Kim at the coronation though makes it clear she doesn't want anyone hurt. What? She has feelings? This is one of the many things that set her apart from the standard slasher Mean Girl with the bulk of the credit going to actress Anne-Marie Martin née Eddie Benton. The reluctance in her venom is all over her face. The embarrassment at not having a date to the prom is made obvious just seconds before her classic retort and the disgust over her affiliation with Lou is not hidden.

Wendy's disdain for Kim and distance from her childhood friends shows me she harbors more guilt than anyone. While the others seem to have moved on free of such burdens, she can't bear to associate with the sister of the girl she accidentally killed but she desperately holds on to Nick as a last grasp at control. In that respect, Wendy is the most sympathetic of the lot. See how the justification comes in handy? 

While it is human nature for fans to root for the death of the bitchy and the cruel, I wanted Wendy to live. I wanted her to make nice with Kim, apologize for Robin even if she didn't reveal the truth. I felt like Wendy had it in her, she simply couldn't be vulnerable without feeling weak. I mean, what the hell was she supposed to learn about herself being brought up by that nosy Grandma?

Unfortunately, we all knew Wendy was doomed. It was expected. Always will be. What wasn't counted on, however, was that she would be given the film's best scene. The grand stalk and slash reserved for our heroines belonged to the bad girl. Considering the killer, it couldn't be Kim's but why wasn't it given to logical runner-ups, nice Kelly or funny Jude? Because even then, everyone knew Wendy was teh awsum! It's obviously why Jamie Lee got her Saturday Night Fever moment. Bad enough her onscreen rival was actually beautiful and talented but she loses out on one of the greatest chases scenes in slasherdom and has to flounce around in Good Girl pink while Wendy creates weird feelings in gay men with the hottest disco dress in the history of disco dresses that are hot?

Boy, that chase. The chase through America's largest high school. It's substantial and filled with tension. Wendy is confused, frightened and by it's end, exhausted. She even manages to get a good wallop in with a push broom. One of my very favorite elements to it all: She runs in heels. Why doesn't she take them off, as I am sure many viewers have barked at the screen? Why? Because she doesn't have to, bitches. Wendy isn't flailing aimlessly or jogging in quicksand like so many of her sneakered horror compatriots, no, girl is hoofin' it. Yeah, okay, she trips in the gymnasium but it was dark and where the hell did that wrestling mat come from?

I'd still love a Prom Night remake – since there hasn't been one... I SAID THERE HASN'T! - where all the little kinks have been ironed out, a few characters added and perhaps even switch up the killer and/or his motivation but the one non-negotiable is that Wendy still very much be Wendy. Bitchy, beautiful and full of attitude but with a glint of humanity that gives you pause before condemning her to a grisly fate and makes you very happy she was given the film's best moment. That and the dress. Fuckin-A she's still gotta wear that dress. 

Posting more. Oh, it's gonna happen.

Okay. Okay. I get it. You feel abandoned. Despite my being the 23,478^th best blog you've read, you took the time and you gave me a shot and how did I repay your kindness? I ran. I'm not excusing my behavior but to be fair, indications of my instability were made pretty clear early on, soooo... I'm excusing my behavior.

I'm not going to try and make it up to you because that would be an insult to us both. How? I've no idea. I just felt that was a good way to end the sentence while giving me a nice out. However, what I am going to do is keep on keepin' on! I'm going to blog. It may not be often, it may not last long, and it may not be good, but it will be done. Even if I'm the only one here, this blog will still make a sound! I owe you that much.

With that, I can think of no better way to kick things off than by resuming reiteration on how this isn't a horror blog with a months worth of horror content! I'm still a bit down on myself that I let last October go without any acknowledgment of my favorite month and letting another pass would be, just, ya know, worse. I may post the sporadic film review but knowing I can't commit to a movie a day – See? Acknowledgment. Personal growth already! - I didn't want to make that attempt. Besides, plenty of folks better than I will be taking care of that.

I am going celebrate the great characters of horror. Rather, my favorite characters. More specifically, The Most Fantabulous Femmes of Fright. I tried to branch out, I really did. The list was going to incorporate all characters of every horror medium but when I realized that by #25 it was entirely made up of final girls and sassy but doomed besties I knew I had to stop trying. Women of Fiction, my soul they own.

Some posses a universally recognized level of awesome while others may only be liked by me and those who might like something just because it has a vagina, but all have struck that chord in my feeling place. Eww, not that one! Gay, duh. There is no specific order. This isn't a countdown. Partially because there would be two twelve-way ties, partially because I watched Prom Night again the other night, thus reigniting my obsession with Wendy and good lawd, I gotta write about that bitch quick!

… Starting tomorrow. What? I'm really tiiiired.

Final Girl Five

What?! I can't believe my last two years worth of posts were somehow mysteriously deleted, never to be recovered by any means. GAH! All that hard work and dedication and man, they were sooo gooood. I'm sorry, everyone... Ah well, onward and upward.*

THE FINAL GIRL ELITE

Finally got around to Laurie and decided to grime the rest of 'em up some. Click on over to my DA gallery for the bigguns.

*That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Heroine > Villain

I don't root for the killer. When I was 6 years-old, I clutched my pillow tight hoping that pretty Ginny girl would kill that mean sack head guy. I clearly recall pumping my fist, yelling "YES!" when Laurie skewered Michael with a knitting needle (I was pretty paralyzed with fear that she might die when we got to the coat hanger). Years later as a (physical) grown-up, I was just as excited to watch Sidney lay the smack down on a myriad of Ghostfaces.

As far as I'm concerned, there is far too much hero worship going on for sadistic villains. I admire those who step up and end those reigns of terror (for however short-lived that may be) and wanted to honor them. I saw this awesome set of pop-artish vector posters done for superheroes somewhere (No, I can NOT vague it up anymore) and the idea for these ladies was immediate. I hope to do more and did start Laurie Strode last night but I'm kinda spent on them at the moment. The ebbs and flows are my routine with every artistic endeavor but Stretch's chainsaw really took it outta me!

For now, here are four of my most favoritest heroines of all the times!

Tiffany. Necrosis. Some Ranting. Sorta Review. Whatever.

From 6 followers to 12 13 since my last post? Oh yeah, who's a rock star?! I'm honored to have each and every one of you here; Some of which have blogs I'll even read!... Well, except YOU. I did some checking and you're kind of a jerk but by all means, keep following me. As a token of my appreciation, I felt I should share something of interest to you all and since horror films are the common denominator here what better way to follow up this astounding achievement than with a post about pop singer Tiffany!

What? I've clarified that this wasn't a horror blog, like, all over the place.

Tiff demonstrating some of that mad crazy hand dancing for me in 2006

Actually, she still qualifies under my original intent as I've decided to review her screen debut, NECROSIS aka BLOOD SNOW aka ICE OF THE DEAD aka NO MATTER WHAT YA CALL IT, IT'S STILL POO… FYI, I've loved this woman continuously since 1987. While her prominent figure in the header should clue most of you in, I felt the need to state this as you may be inclined to think the contrary from this point on.

This was fast becoming a maniacal rant about the grave disappointment her acting endeavors are turning out to be and my inability to understand why she feels it so necessary to piss me off and not follow my meticulously detailed career path so I thought it best to start off simple with a review. I've yet to do an actual review so it felt like time but mostly because every time I typed MEGA-PIRANHA I spit at the screen and I'm plum outta Clorox wipes.

*sigh*

Right. The review…

A group of friends head to the mountains for some wintry R&R but their chosen locale shares a bit of history with The Donner Party legend and from that it's pretty easy to surmise that there won't be a lot of rest or relaxation for anyone involved.

All of the pieces are present and accounted for: A strong legend to jump off from, secluded location with looming weather hazards, foreboding locals, elements of the supernatural, paranoia and a mix of characters at various stages in their lives ensuring potential conflict. Necrosis manages the peculiar feat of incorporating all of those elements yet not succeeding with any of them. Well, the location is nice and there are a handful of shots that reflect this.

As with many low-budget indies, the technical shortcomings are plentiful; Edits are either choppy or linger unnecessarily and the sound is too often looped. However, these faults could easily be forgiven were any other intended aspects accomplished. The films greatest failure is in its soulless facade. The dialogue is flat and stock and the actors do little to breathe any life into it. Not that they've much to work with but seriously, there are some professionals here turning out low-rent work. There are moments where you can almost see their thought process…

ACTOR/ESS: 'Recite dialogue, drink from cup, pause, frown, hit mark, wait for cue, speak again.'

There is little organic going on here and that is the most glaring issue of which there are many. The Esses fair slightly better. During the more intimate and dramatic moments Tiffany comes closest to conveying genuine emotion even while having the most limited screen time. Sadly, me thinks she might've peaked here. Not that Mega—erm, the movie I dare not directly address, would benefit from the Strasberg Method but dayum Tiff that was rough! She is not without potential but I fear it's not going to be realized considering her lackadaisical approach to everything in her career. Okay, that was bitter and personal and I apologize… I'll save it for a later date.

I'll be sure to render my final verdict once MEGA PYTHON VS. GATOROID hits SyFy next year. Co-Starring Deborah Gibson. I'm not even kidding. The pop rivalry everyone asked for… Twenty years too late.

Hmm. My guess is Debbie will be playing Gatoroid?

Scream Queen On The Rise and Awesome Chick Of The Now Penny Drake (Zombie Strippers, The Cook) and to a lesser degree Danielle DeLuca turn in serviceable if uninspired performances. Funny (or is it sad?) when you realize their male counterparts James Kyson Lee (Heroes) and George Stults (7th Heaven) are the more seasoned actors. This includes wasted cameos from genre vets Michael Berryman and Mickey Jones. We know neither are lauded for thespian skills but man, utilize what they do bring!

I truly wanted Necrosis to succeed, independently of Tiffany. The premise felt comfortably familiar but held enormous potential. In early interviews, passionate director Jason Stephens tagged the formula as "The Big Chill meets The Shining." Who wouldn't get excited for that? This is somewhat telling of his approach because after watching Necrosis, one cannot help but wonder if Stephens has actually seen either film. Ultimately, Necrosis screams amateur from start to finish and it is unfortunate because there were mounds of material to mine from.

… Or maybe I'm just still mad at Tiffany because this really wasn't a review so much as a tirade. Watch for yourself and let me know. It's not even 80 minutes. And there's some random boobs.  

My Willies... All Ten Of 'em!

Okay, okay, I'm starting to feel the groove now. Seems the secret to my motivation is for those blog folk I enjoy to post their lists that get me going. They're fun, easy go-to's that limit tasking myself with original content… Wins all around! The latest spark comes from André over at The Horror Digest. She's prolific, entertaining and adorable as all get-out. I'd probably hate her were it not for my secret predilection for prolific, entertaining, adorable people. Oh, she's also a cat lover. I'm practically swooning!... Ye know, in that not-at-all weird gay guy crush way.

Sooo... Before it gets creepier in a way not concordant with the theme, on to the matter. She shared her Top Ten Movie Heebee-Jeebees and I had to partake. I was surprised how difficult it was to come up with ten. I've endured tons of jump scares (some legit) and many moments where I've felt uncomfortable or sickened but apparently I've not been as creeped out as much as I had assumed (or perhaps just recall). I'm quite disappointed as I think that is the best feeling one can get from a horror/suspense film. It resonates so much longer than a quick "boo!" and while intense is usually not as deeply penetrating as being disturbed. *glares at those jerks, Wolf Creek and Inside*

Guess I need to reacquaint myself with some movies. Until then, we'll just consider this my first draft. Here are the ten movie moments that filled me with a sense of squirmy unease and dammit, I just don't get enough of that! Oh, and SPOILERS ABOUND! Der.

  

THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE – Silver doors are almost never good.

We're first introduced to Leatherface when poor Kurt pops his head in for a looksee. As frightening as he was, there was something about the "SHUNK" of the metal door after bludgeoning Kurt to death that sent a chill up my spine. I'd like to think I'd be the cautious one standing at the front door telling my friends to get out of that decrepit junk heap, but if I saw that door? Lots of running and a little screaming without even seeing what's inside. It was all I could think about while Pam fumbled through the feathers and bones, and with good reason because Leatherface opening it back up to fetch her was even more terrifying. Proof that knowing what is coming can be so much worse than not.

THE SHINING – The Bigwheel of Eeee-vil!

Seriously, nothing good comes from these bike rides. I remembered getting wincey the moment little Danny hopped on, well before meeting up with his new playmates. I wasn't particularly fond of sharing a name with the little freaknik, either. It gave all my friends carte blanche to moan "Redrum" at me. Kids are dumb. Anyhow, Kubrick shot nearly every scene to convey a consistent sense of dread but that little pit in the tummy tightened every time he rode that big wheel and instilled my lifelong love/hate relationship with lengthy hallways.

BLACK CHRISTMAS – It's the moooaannaah!

Only seeing the killer's shadow, hands and eye enhanced this wonderful film's creep factor but it was those cracked out phone calls to the girls of Pi Kappa Sigma that raised my hackles (Not sure what hackles are but I know that if I have 'em, they were raised!). It wasn't so much about what he/she/it/they were saying but how it was being said; Cackling, maniacal and truly sinister. When you paid attention it was even worse. Who was Billy? What did he do to Agnes? Did he just say cunt?!

AUDITION – Where exactly does one acquire a bag o' man?

I am so, so, sooo glad I never caught ads for this film because I would have had this most gloriously chilling moment spoiled. You know things ain't quite right with Asami early on. This delicate flower is a wee bit touched and whoooaa boy are we given confirmation right proper! The extended scene of her unnaturally slumped, sitting by the phone awaiting Shigeharu's call gives the impression this might be all she does. Ever. The creepies set in instantly and intensify as you wonder what could be in that bag when the phone finally rings and WAH! THE BAG FLIPPED OVER! Successful as a willy inducer and legit jump scare.

REC – What is tha--OHMYHOLYHELL!

Another case of knowing that something is coming but that knowledge helps out zippo! You're one of two survivors of an insane virus that has turned everyone else into raving, bloodthirsty maniacs. You're also trapped in an apartment building with them as the military has the place locked down. You've managed to reach the attic apartment with your cameraman when it is fast apparent that this might not be the salvation you so desperately seek. Oh, and you're now in complete darkness. Frantically scrambling through evidence indicating this is where all the horror is stemming from, you hear a noise. It's not from your guy. It's not another survivor. It's something that has clawed free from a Hell dimension and you are officially fucked. Go ahead, poop yourself, no one will ever know. 

28 DAYS LATER – Wait, they run now?!

Sure, they aren't technically zombies but at the time of seeing this, it was touted as a zombie film so imagine my shock and terror when they began to run! Um, they're not supposed to do that. I know now the Infected are their own sub-genre but not necessarily one I welcome as they've cut a good portion of the populations chances of survival by demanding athletic prowess. Them sprinting en masse in shadow only freaked me out more. The gutteral howling, pièce de résistance. I know they're not zombies but couldn't they lumber? I like lumbering. 

A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET – Dancing on the ceiling

Horrifying, disturbing and single-handedly ruined my bed time experiences for years to come. I saw this way too young, when death scenes I had seen before it were still heavily shadowed and over quickly. I almost didn't include it because I felt it too intense for willy qualification until looking over at my goosebumps while thinking about it. It hit all the buttons and suddenly everything that followed had me on edge.

MARTYRS – Well, isn't she just darling?

Martyrs was almost booted to the side with Wolf Creek and Inside but I found it too thought-provoking to toss. Not that those films didn't make me think and I uneasily consider myself a big fan of both but the brutal intensity gave me no time to be creeped out. Martyrs, while a big WTF?! itself, allowed the creepy unease to settle in when Anna meets another prisoner locked away for who knows how long. The woman is emaciated, scarred, disfigured and has a metal blindfold bolted to her head with a matching chastity belt I do NOT want to know how is fastened. Disturbing on many levels, it is incredibly creepy not only from her appearance but from having no idea what she may do.

THE SENTINEL – Daaad, company is coming go put on some pants!

I've still only seen about half of this movie. It alternately freaked and bored me. However, the scene where Alison sneaks through her apartment to reveal a silhouette behind the door was creepy in itself but as the form rushess across the screen to reveal itself as an old man in underwear brought on both heebees and jeebees. He stands at the other end of the room, waiting in darkness for her to approach and then does the zombie lurch, revealing his milky white eyes. It's all good but something about the way he quickly skitters from behind the door makes it so much more effective than had he slowly clambered out.

THE FUNHOUSE – She's just not that into you.

This is a film that doesn't hold up for me. It's mind-numbingly slow and has one of the worst Final Girl's in the history of ever. However, when I was a kid this was a scene that seared itself deep into the psyche and still remains effective. When Liz awakens from her fall through the trap door, we find her in a tunnel with a giant exhaust fan at the end. Before she can crawl toward freedom, the Carny Freak appears. Shadowed, he is no less terrifying than when he reveals his monstrous mug. Liz pleading, begging and then trying to trade on her feminine wiles make you pity her, hoping she might be given reprieve and you can't help but wonder if she might have had she not stabbed the monster 'cause he seemed like he was kinda diggin' on her... Ye know, before pulling her head first into the big fan.